Humans love to ask hypothetical questions about monkeys typing random strings. We were curious ourselves so we did an experiment. Though we are often referred to as such, we of course are not monkeys; we are apes. We are not just any ape we are genetically enhanced primates.
To compensate for this obvious advantage we modified the experiment by setting up computer keyboards during one of our banana and coconut daiquiri parties for board members and guests. Everyone had to type at least 2 dozen characters to get a drink and they could type anything whenever they had a mind to. There is nothing like alcohol to introduce a randomizing element into the experiment.
After we sobered up, we analyzed the data. We had about 119,479 bytes consisting of typed characters on a standard keyboard.
The most common phrases were
Melody would you like another daiquiri?
CPhill would chop a few more coconuts please.
Ayumu would you bring me another daiquiri?
Get it yourself you *** ****
Ayumu what is 1+1 ?
Shut the **** up you *** ****
Stop throwing **** at me you ******* *** ****
(This wasn’t a series of asterisks it just the word filter at work)
There were no Shakespeare phrases. The closest to that was
“To pee or not to pee on this keyboard”
This sounds like an inebriated Chimp Stuart. He often modifies quotes from Shakespeare
A few hours in to the party, it became more random and unprintable.
Chimp Ayumu enjoying her pipe. She says she can see equations in the smoke. I believe her.
Chimp Otis eating a banana. When he’s sloshed he often eats the peel too. He's not just a ham, he’s a p*g.
Chimp Oskar. He’s a chick magnet for all primates.
I had to abandon my campaign for Moderator.
Most of us were caged for the past month. We were accused of smuggling mangos across state lines. It probably wasn’t a good idea to put 450 kilos of mangos in the trunk of Chimp Dix’s car. The cops pulled us over because the rear of the car would make a few sparks whenever the road was bumpy. If we had stayed calm, we probably would have just been fined and sent on our way. We didn’t mind paying a fine but the pigs wanted to confiscate our mangos.
One of the pigs said we should be in a zoo. That was the last straw. I don’t know who, but one of us threw a big mango at the pigs and the fight was on. After it was over, there was more than two-hundred kilos of very ripe mangos splattered on the pigs and covering the ground. Most of us were caged, but Chimp Loki managed to escape. His skills far exceed those of a mere mortal chimp; he managed to re-appropriate Chimp Dix’s car from the impound lot --it still had most of the mangos in the trunk. They let us out a few days ago and he came to pick us up and we were on our way.
I can tell you the only monkey bars we like are the ones that have daiquiris. First, we are kicked out of Greece, and then we are arrested. There are only concrete jungles where we live, but near here are forests. We are going to enjoy these forests for awhile, while we eat our naturally puréed mangos, complete with fruit flies, along with the bananas we brought from South America. Yes, the forest where the deer and, occasionally, the antelope play is our destination. Where the only pigs are wild ones -- true artiodactyls -- not the theoretical hybrids of ancient chimps and pigs by miscegenation that live in the concrete jungle.
Lucky Eddie winning most of the smokes in the pokey. He wins the most when we are not in the slammer too. I think he cheats, but we’ve never caught him.
So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, au revoir, arrivederci, sayonara, and good-bye.
When we return, I may campaign again for Moderator. I see the Governor General appointed Alan. An excellent choice. Congratulations!
Yes, Omar is very studious. He’s looking forward to the first rite of passage into adulthood --usually about age 12. There are no set rules for this. It’s usually a big (monster) Spaghetti pie with a large, frosty mug of beer from the beer volcano. (It’s near-beer for minors).
The word is spreading far and wide. http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/victoria/victorian-schools-to-get-a-pasta-class-in-religion/story-fni0fit3-1227271927832
The Pastafarian “religion” may be the best one to come along since the dawn of civilization.
You know, the Great Realm of Camelot can use a Lancelot. Sounds like a good slogan:
“Vote Lancelot for Camelot”
Like most of my ancestors, I used to believe in the Banana Goddess, but I’m a Pastafarian now (I like Spaghetti, too) , so I should be OK.
Wiki gives a quick overview.
Here’s the official site
went to a large American city once, and was amazed by the tremendous numbers of people always going to Catholic services. I asked him why he thought so. He said there are hundreds of busses there all with “Mass Transit” painted on the side.
I love little kids. They make life very entertaining. :)
Your cake is very tasty, thank you.
Here, I had my personal chef make a banana cake for you.
My personal chef is a great cook.(He liked your cake, too).
He eats less than half the food he prepares and he uses modern kitchen appliances to puree food. My last chef just chewed it up and spit it in to the bowl --it made it kind of “fermenty.” Sometimes he’d swallow to much of it, so he’d just barf it into the bowl.
This cake has neither peal pieces nor spit,
just like my banana daiquiris.:)
P.S. Asking a chimp not to do monkey business is like asking Einstein not to do physics. Not only does that boarder on the impossible, it’s a waste of great talent. :)
When the Chimps are away the human primates will play! I haven’t seen this much poo thrown since the spring fever festival of 08 and that was nothing compared to the frat parties.
There is a missing link here. We need another moderator. I nominate myself, Lancelot Link, for moderator.
Here are my credentials:
President and CEO of A.P.E. (Agency to Prevent Evil)
Next to being experts on bananas, my team and I are experts on poo. Both at throwing it and cleaning it up.
I am also interested in prime roots, square roots and trees in general, a type of mathematical horticulture. Though I have lead a horticulture, I couldn’t make her think.
Chimp Ayumu is skilled in high-level maths, she can check the math work, because compared to her my math skills suck. I know how to count bananas, so I’ll charge a fair price for bribes.
Other good points: I come from a good family, a long line of highly-intelligent chimps. I know, I know, breeding isn't everything, but it is a lot of fun.
I like bananas and peanuts, dogs, cats, and most human primates. Vote LancelotLink for moderator. If I win, there will be a banana daiquiri victory party for all. My banana daiquiris are great: no peel, no spit, and for the younger crowed, no alcohol.
One more thing, I can swing from limb to limb, and, while I have never done it to anyone, I can tear you limb from limb. CoalDefeatsTitanium you are more disgusting than any of the s**t thrown on the form. One day I will find you and teach you some monkey manners.
Vote Lancelot Link, for moderator.
This isn’t a drawing, but they are free bodies.
These kittens are part of Loki's genetic cloning experiments for warm and cuddle worthy kittens.
These free bodies will tided you over until 7UP returns. These kittens aren’t free, they are just free bodies. We loan them out if you promise to take care of them. We want them back after 7UP returns – or even if he doesn’t.
Here's one of our bigger cats in the care of Puma, our cat Chimp
Lancelot_Link, the cat's meow of A.P.E.
Hi Rosala, It’s great you have returned, we’ve all missed you.
Hi Patsy, I like your dog. He seems very friendly. :)
Here’s one of my dogs. His name is Oscar. Short for Oscar Mayer wiener dog. That’s his favorite food. You are what you eat. Right?
I’m kind of surprised I don’t look like a banana or a peanut.
To whom it may concern:
I sent agent Chimp Dix to search for Sir CPhill.
Here is his report:
I found Sir CPhill a half mile down the beach, he’s pushing a giant beach ball up a hill. The ball keeps rolling back down. That sounds like a fun way to monkey around, actually!
Some suggestions (None of these are guaranteed to work):
If you want Sir CPhill to show himself when you ask a question, offer him a banana or a coconut. You don’t need to shuck the coconut, either –according to Charlotte, he is rather good at chopping them to size.
You might also offer to polish his armor and sharpen his sword, too. Although, he’s rather picky about who does that.
Did someone say "cookie"? D**n! Some human metaphors make me hungry.
I’m going back to cruising. There are some hot chimp chicks here.
Humm. I really need to have a talk with him about cruising on company time.
A policy violation?!
We don’t want you to leave, Stu.
I have assigned my best agents to this investigation. A full report will follow soon.
In the mean time, I know there is a lack of moderation, because I am on my third double.
Bartender! (hic) Another banana daiquiri– no spit and hold the peel; make it a triple this time.
Lancelot_Link Special banana daiquiri Investigator (A.P.E.)