Okay, here goes.
Joe would like to reach Sally's house by 5:18 pm. it is currently 3:07. Sally lives 86.243 miles away. Joe's walking speed is 3 mph. Joe's biking speed is 20 mph. Joe's driving speed is 40 mph. If Joe walks, he is able to take a secret path 18.77 miles away from his house to a secret teleporter that will instantly traverse the distance to Sally's, with the condition of a 36.9% chance of instantaneous vaporization. If Joe bikes, he will be able to follow the highway for 47.52 miles before entering a bike path 42.76 miles from Sally's house.However, this path is very dangerous and offers Joey a 26.574% chance of death with his skill level. the highway/road that leads directly to Sally's, however, is in the midst of a traffic jam 59.87 miles of the way to Sally's, and is not scheduled to be resolved until 5:02. Also, there are reports of street racers along this road, offering Joe a 45.87% chance of dying in a collision. If Joe does not arrive at Sally's by 5:18 pm, Joey has a completely random chance of dying due to the completely unpredictable nature of females. If Joe wishes to arrive the fastest possible way, then is it true or false that the person reading this has absolutely nothing better to do than read a completely ridiculous math problem with no practical application, only to find they've been fooled into reading said ridiculous problem by a mere child and therefore be internally humiliated?
actually never mind. I solved it when I wrote it out
(it's true, by the way.)