+0  
 
-7
153
1
avatar+199 

I need feedback on my introduction paragraph and my concussion

 

My introduction 

 

It was the middle of the day I and my dad went and got our hunting licenses, and it was finally time for us to head home to prepare for it the next day for our hunting trip. I have waited for a long time to spend some time with my day from his busy schedule. And since I was a young lady I got to learn from him and for me to have this for this opportunity I get to learn survival skills if something happens in the future I would be ready for anything especially hunting for my food to survive, and it was time for use to hunt finally. So, my father and I packed up our stuff and left the warmth of the house to go out into the woods. As we were leaving to head to Bastrop, Lousiana which is where our hunting location is. After waiting for a few hours we finally see a deer.

 

My conclusion 

 

The last time I got to hunt for a long time and I wrote this to talk about how hunting had affected me and how it shows how I love spending time with my family and it impacted me personally. My goal for this great life lessons taught me that we must learn from our loved ones because they also made mistakes in their life and they don’t want us to make the same mistakes as they did when they were younger, and mostly just to by sharing my experience means the world to me. How it has helped shape the person I am today and with this, it will give people a better understanding of the way we must learn from the wise and learn from there aspects on hunting trips and safer ways to be responsible and by this most people would start having a understanding about what the gun can be used for inserting violence and actions plus having a better perspective on their life and lastly this is me signing off.

off-topic
 Feb 17, 2020
 #1
avatar+902 
+4

Please don't take any offense from this, but you may want to check your grammar. Let me edit a bit of it.

 

It was noon when my dad and I went to get our hunting licenses. It was time for us to head home to prepare for the next day for our hunting trip. I have eagerly waited a long time to spend some time with my dad away from his busy schedule. And since I was a young lady I got to learn from him, and for me to have this for this opportunity I was able to learn nesessary survival skills. If something happened in the future I would be ready for anything, especially hunting for my food to survive. It was finally time for use to hunt. My father and I packed up our stuff and left the warmth of the house to go out into the woods. We were leaving to head to Bastrop, Lousiana, the location of our hunting spot. After waiting for a few hours we finally saw a deer.

 

The last time I got to hunt was long ago and I wrote this to talk about how hunting had affected me. It shows how I love spending time with my family and how it impacted me personally. My goal for these great life lessons my father taught me is that we must learn from our loved ones because they also make mistakes in their life and they don’t want us to make the same mistakes as they did when they were younger. Sharing my experience also means the world to me. It has helped shape the person I am today and with this, it will give people a better understanding of the way we must learn from the wise and learn from there aspects on hunting trips and safer ways to be responsible and by this most people would start having a understanding about how a gun can be used for inserting violence. Plus, having a better perspective on their life and lastly this is me signing off.

 

***Try to use show not tell, I'll not edit that, because it's not my work it's yours, I won't decide the meaning.

***update 2/ 21... "lastly this is me signing off" is not really formal, and doesn't make sense in the context... I suggest you take it out. Try to have a more reflective ending. If you think guns are bad and should not be allowed(con Article 2, liberal) write what you may have learned about guns from this experience... if you think guns are good(pro Article 2, conservative) maybe show how guns are not bad in the hands of innocent hunters and not serial killers? Follow your logic, I'm clueless...

 Feb 18, 2020
edited by hugomimihu  Feb 21, 2020

23 Online Users

avatar
avatar
avatar
avatar
avatar
avatar
avatar