This is a contest in which people will post their best jokes they have.
Winner is decided by whichever joke gets the most thumbs-ups.
Winner gets bragging rights, and some extra points in the ranking system for the most liked joke.
Bring your best comedic material and take part is this fun way to bring the community together in one thread.
(Idea Created By @ClownPrinceOfChaos)
To kick things off, here is my best math joke.
I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
Heh I think I can get a better laugh...
So since it's nearly christmas I'll start with this
This little boy decides that for Christmas he's going to get his father a pair of socks. On christmas day his father opens his present and tells his son-
This is the most insensitive thing you could have bought me
The son says-
Dad it's the thought that counts.
The Dad's face turns sooo red you'd think he was going to kick the son...and maybe he would have...if only he had legs
Since we're going for long jokes:
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're assigned to h**l."
So the engineer reports to the gates of h**l and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of accommodations and starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, they’ve got air-conditioning and flush toilets, escalators, elevators and so on ... and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan on the telephone.
"So, how's it going down there in h**l?" God says.
"Hey, things are going great. We've got air-conditioning and flush toilets and escalators. There's no telling what our engineer is going to come up with next!" Satan says.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should have never gotten down there. Send him back immediately!" God says.
"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff - I'm keeping him!" Satan says.
"Send him back up here or I'll sue!" God says.
Satan laughs crazily and answers:
"Yeah, right. And just where are you going to get a lawyer?"
I must leave now but lets attempt to keep this thing up and running at all cost...for those of you whose portable screen devices that have legs anyway HA
How many Auburn freshmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, it is a sophomore course.
There once was a group of monks who owned a flower shop. Business is kinda slow, so they travel around the world to find this rare flower. Unbeknownst to them, it was a man-eating plant. Every once in a while, a townsperson would go missing. They didn't know why but eventually found out why the people were missing. They had someone go get the plant, and it ate the person. They had the firefighters go get it, but it ate them all. The police too. Even the armed forces. They told everyone they could about a million dollars for whoever could get rid of the plant. So there's a man named Hugh, and he's pretty poor, so a million dollars is a lot to him. He goes to the monks' shop, walks in, and rips the plant to shreds without getting eaten. The moral of the story is Hugh and only Hugh can stop florist friars.
My friend added this part:
Somehow the monks got another plant, and of course, they wanted Hugh to save them. He invested all of his money in stock, but then the stocks fell dramatically, so he was poor and couldn't have lunch. He agrees to help the monks again. He walks up to the doors and says "I got this". He walks in and gets eaten! The second moral? You're not Hugh when you're hungry.
Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
Teacher: "Who knows 5+5=?" Little Johnny: "11" Teacher: "Take out your hand from trousers pocket and count with your fingers."
The point of the joke is that the kid has 6 fingers on one hand, therefore he is hiding his hand in his pants pocket.